“Broke and Hungry”

Outside was grey and gloomy. The windshield wipers slapped away the rain, competing with the beat on the radio. My mind was a fog, thoughts introvert, gnawing at what was left of my finger nails.

Driving on auto pilot, unaware of where I really was, just knowing that I needed to be where I felt valued, loved, seen and heard. Comforted.

Stopped at a traffic light, a song on the radio that I had not heard before, woke me, as if speaking directly to me. “Though I’ve never been through hell like that.” My mind focused and I saw a beautiful young girl, standing out in the rain, holding a sign that read, “Broke and Hungry”. The song went on, “If you’re lost and alone, Or you’re sinking like a stone, Carry on“. I rolled down my window, she had already walked past me, but spun around at the sound, and I handed her the only cash I had on me, the coins I use to unlock the shopping cart at the store, $1.75 in all. I felt bad, wished there was more, but she smiled and said, “Thanks very much. Cheers.” and she was gone. The light turned green, I rolled up the window and the song went on …

“May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on”

How will she ever know that she gave to me far more than any money in the world ever could? Standing there in the pouring rain, holding her sign, she reminded me, I have strength and resilience. She reminded me of everything that is good in my life.

“My head is on fire but my legs are fine
After all they are mine”

I am broke, but not hungry.
I have wonderful children to love.
I have somewhere warm and dry to sleep.
I am loved and I love.

I will carry on!

In all that really matters, I am rich!

The Wolf

The Wolf . . .

Family orientated
Devoted
Loyal

What I did not realise though, was that when dominant, their most effective weapon is often psychological.

Now, predator as opposed to protector. Hidden in sheep’s clothing to innocent eyes.

Beating at the door, threatening to blow it all down.

Tragic because this house of sticks is all for them!

Ref:

http://wolfpie-art.com/animaltopics/wolfsymbol.html

Clarity

I had a wonderful vision of clarity this morning and want to endeavor to hold onto it … hopefully I can write it down as beautifully as I saw it.

I was unexpectedly thrown off kilter the afternoon of this New Year’s Eve. I saw the father of my son’s with another woman. If she is someone important or significant to him, I do not know. I do know however, that it stirred up something that I cannot explain.  Not jealousy, not wanting. Probably just a deep sadness. Nevertheless, thoughts of what once was, and the infuriating misperceptions of where it all went wrong, have since, plagued my mind.

Then this morning, in a wonderful, hot shower, it suddenly came to me that exactly twenty-five years ago, to the day (New Years Eve, 1988) simply because I saw him with another girl, I gave up a God-given resolve to not be with him. I say God-given because it felt so clear before then, with no confusion. The resolve of a 14-year-old girl to never put herself at risk of feeling indifference from him ever again.

I was then moved to the other side of the world from him and in the eleventh hour, chose to stay there, away from him. While I did not understand that and often wept for my family, the resolve was absolute. Then six years on, simply because of some misspoken words and not wanting to crush the most evident joy I had ever experienced shown towards me, with great internal conflict, I once again, gave up my resolve.

This time, I was not rescued from my disobedience (I’m looking for a gentler word for here), but rather even in such, I was blessed with the greatest gifts of my life; my sons, and brought to my purpose and passion in this life. Protector, nurturer, Mother.

This is where the clarity came in and I got to thinking how I truly believe so much of my life has been by design. Not necessarily easy or gentle, but for purpose and with reason. Why then have I not realised before that certain events these past eight years have been just that? By design, to get me to where I am supposed to be!

August 14, 2012

Looked into the sweetest, kindest eyes today. Felt safe.

Want to look into them for always. Stay in the comfort of your arms.

I am a Scorpio.

Today, the light is burning. I could retreat back under my rock, but you’ve already flipped it. Vulnerable.

And just like that, with a look and simple hug. I melt, back into comfort.

Matt Man

My boys dragged me down to the BMX track today.  Nothing new, we only live a block away and my little guy, especially, loves to ride.  Today was different though.  When we got there, the track was buzzing with activity.  Banners and flags. Tents and trailers.  Fresh new white lines, Dad’s fine tuning probably already perfectly tuned race bikes and children everywhere on wheels of one kind or another.  I had an overwhelming need to not be there!

My son used to race BMX and the last time I was at a track with him, so alive with the excitement of competition, was back in the summer of 2007.  It was the UCI BMX World Championships in Victoria.  A bitter sweet race for him, and by his choice, the last he would do.  His friend, and racing buddy did not race.  He was registered and we collected his shirt and number plate for him, but Matt was fighting for his life.  8 years old and he had a brain tumor.  Matt Man, a born Champion, a wonder to behold on anything with wheels, was now even having trouble standing on his feet.

This brave boy, with an infectious laugh and smile that lit up his whole face fought a strong fight.  In the last few months, Alex would sit with Matt.  Play games on the computer.  Watch YouTube videos.  Towards the end though, all Matt could do was blink.  Still, my beautiful boy would just sit.  Hold his hand and tell him all about his day.  Matt left us to race with the Angels September 11, 2008.  Not yet 10 years old.  How do you survive that as a parent?  The ultimate journey a person makes and you have no choice but to let your child take it alone.

My boy will be 14 tomorrow and I am so grateful for every moment God entrusts me with His precious soul.  He’s taller than me, stronger than me.  A compassionate and empathetic young man.  Remembering the two of them on their bikes.  How tall would Matt be now?  Yes, I had to go.  

Matt Man . . . forever young and always in our hearts.  

Echoes of distant thunder

Reblogged from smilinginthethunder:

I woke up one morning and realized that if I didn’t leave this relationship, I would die. The last of my survival instinct kicked in and I made the decision to leave.

I had already died inside and I was slowly killing myself by starving myself, the only thing I had control over was what I put in my mouth.

Read more… 267 more words

This is the journey of a friend of mine. Someone of amazing strength and courage. You are and will be a great source of encouragement and "back to self awakening" for many. Thank you for sharing.

Discarded Angel

I was driving Down Town today. I always go in through East Hastings. It’s a sad, heart wrenching part of town. I drive through it to remind myself that there but for the Grace of God, go I. To give myself a contrast on how wonderfully blessed my life is. Always straining at the faces to maybe catch a glimpse of my boys Mom. Her life is not always in this place, and I hope I never do actually see her, as I know I will attempt the futile, and try to rescue her. I drive through it and pray, “Please Lord, protect my boys. Keep them strong. Keep them separate from this life.”

Today though, a young girl, slumped to the floor and propping herself up against a shop wall, caught my eye and in the same instant, broke my heart. Not more than 20 years old.  Someone’s baby girl. There was something pleading about her. Her eyes, not yet lost.

As I drove down East Hastings, just for a moment, a discarded Angel caught my eye. I need to go back.